I’m writing this post on the brunt of some bad news. Not life-altering news, just one of those times that makes you question what you’re doing with your life and is it worth it? Recently, I’m noticing that so far in my 19 years of living I’ve not really tried very hard at anything, which subsequently is causing me to have an existential crisis! I’m blaming myself and I’m completely entitled to because I haven’t done anything. I don’t know how to work hard, I expect things to just happen for me without working hard and I think everything is like the movies where all the hard work will happen in a two-minute montage scene paired with some cheesy inspirational music.
In this day and age, I think it’s easy to feel like a failure and that your life is going nowhere; even when you’re at the ripe old age of 19. There are influencers and social media stars that are making millions at age 14 and younger and at least before I’ve had the comfort of knowing I’m in school. Back then, not knowing your answer when asked ‘what do you want to be when you’re older?’ was fine and all of a sudden it’s not. Gone are the days where seeing the models walk down catwalks as real-life stick figures made me feel inferior, now I’m panicking because ‘older’ has come and I’m no closer to giving them an answer than I was when I was five.
I feel like I’m stuck in this rut that you fall in after you leave school, some people may hit it later because their hope is prolonged by going to University, but there was always so much hope on being whoever you wanted to be, only to now realise that you really can’t. I wish I could live in a world of sunshine and rainbows but I honestly don’t know what to do.
I also feel an immense amount of pressure to impress my parents. I constantly get lectured about what I’m doing with my life and asked what am I doing about this but in reality I’m so overwhelmed I don’t want to and can’t answer any of them. My dad, in particular, is extremely hard to get praise out of. I understand why he does what he does but I honestly think he’s given me some sort of inferiority complex, but we can save that for another day! I constantly let them down by simply not trying my best but I think that if I failed even after having tried my best I don’t think I could cope. At least failing without trying, I still have a safety net.
I think that might be another good part of why I can’t try. I need to have a safety net and that shield up so I won’t be completely vulnerable. I have no problem being myself in front of people I don’t know and am never going to see again, but when it comes to my family and people I see regularly I put up walls. Not exercising and actively eating differently because I’m scared of the criticism and being laughed at by my family is a genuine reason why I won’t do what I want. Not caring what people think is very much easier said than done.
After having my rant I think it’s clear that need to do my best to try and break down my personal barriers to do what I want, wear what I want to wear and look how I want to look. Maybe I can make this into a series and update every now and then, kind of like a glow up diaries idea?
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